My Amazing Son

I was wrapping presents last night, and realized that for the first time ever, I had more presents for Mikey than David. This is an anomaly because, well, to keep it super simple - David is verbal and Mikey is not so much. David has always been able to tell me what he wants, and has even been known to make elaborate and detailed lists. Mikey is quite the enigma - if you can get him to tell you what he wants, he may not want it anymore by the time Christmas rolls around. This being the case, if there's something I'm sure Mikey likes and will continue to like (for example, Disney Villains), I will grab the cheapo coloring book of Disney Villains when I see it in August & stash it away till Christmas.

I guess I'd been doing that quite a lot, because I had all sorts of bits & bobs for Mikey, yet only a couple things for David. So I go the direct route & ask David what he would like for Christmas, since he hadn't made a list. He says, "Oh, I don't really want anything - I have so much already. Maybe something handmade." GASP! This came from a 14 year old boy? My son is simply amazing, and now I want to give him the world.

Sleep

I've been trying to tell myself that I will wake up later in the mornings; allow myself to get a full night's sleep for a change, but long standing patterns are hard to break. Being the sole caretaker of my special needs kids, I am the only responsible one. If I didn't get them up & ready for school, they would not have gone. If I wasn't acutely aware of the bumps in the night, the boys might have gotten into something that I'd neglected to childproof; worse yet, Mikey could have escaped. The things that typical kids get into is not the same as autistic kids - there is a whole level of danger that these kids don't seem to sense.

Anyway, my current sleep pattern has emerged from years of having to follow the same routine, and a little bit of personal habit, too. It goes like this: at 8:00 pm, Mikey declares it is bedtime. He is nothing if not a creature of routine, and he insists on heading to bed at 8:00 every night. I am totally ok with this - by 8 pm, I am usually exhausted & ready to fall into bed myself. Now, just because Mikey demands to head to bed does not mean he is ready to sleep. Also, now that he's 14, David is becoming the stereotypical teen who wants to stay up late & sleep in. This would be ok with me if he could do it quietly. Unfortunately, he does nothing quietly.

Falling asleep is not a problem for me; staying asleep is. If I fall asleep right away, chances are that either Mikey will be talking to himself or thumping around in the room on my right and I'll wake up, or David will wake me when he thumps down the hallway to the bathroom or to his room. If I can manage to get back to sleep after this, I often wake up with thoughts of worry about things I have to get done or things I may have forgotten; again, when all the responsibility is mine, if I forget something, I don't have a backup. And after all this, when I manage to sleep again, I tend to naturally wake at 5:30 am, just because that's when the boys got up when they were smaller, and Mikey still does sometimes. 5:30 isn't too bad, but when we shift from Daylight Savings Time back to normal time, I am then waking at 4:30 am, and that isn't acceptable. THIS is what bugs me - no matter if I know I can sleep in, my body won't let me. If I stay up on the rare occasions I can have friends over, I still wake at the same time, whether I went to bed at 8 pm or 2 am. This is one area where my new found positive thinking has thus far failed me. How does one train oneself into a new sleep pattern? If you know, please fill me in - I could use the sleep. :-)

The Secret

I think I mentioned my friend Robert in my first post. He's the one with the incredibly positive attitude who's such a great guy. Well, he recommended a book to me called "The Secret". It's basically about the power of positive attraction; if you have negative thoughts, you attract more negative things into your life, and vice versa - if you have positive thoughts, you attract the positive.

I've never been one for self-help books. My attitude has always pretty much been "The gods help those who help themselves", and "Get up off your butt & do something... nobody's going to save your ass but you". So to believe that simply having the positive thoughts going will make your life better seems pretty simplistic & naive on the surface. I'm only about a third of the way into the book, but what I've been seeing reflected in real life is pretty darned amazing.

First, I really noticed this 'secret' in action in other people. Those people who I admire and respect; who seem to have it all together and seem genuinely happy most of the time really do have a positive attitude about things; even when things don't go their way. Those people who seem to have the world collapse in on them constantly are also the ones who are constantly bitching about how much life sucks & how unfair everything is to them. Coincidence?

Now, as to myself, I recently posted the bitch blog about dealing with the people from SSI. Shortly after this, I got a hold of the book, & decided to put this positive thinking more into practice - to really try to keep my thoughts positive & be the master of my own thoughts. Amazingly enough, my fears did not come into play, I did not have to hire an attorney, I still owe some back money, but not nearly the massive amount I originally thought, and the issue will be resolved once & for all & I don't have to deal with that agency & their incompetence & negativity again. I've put it behind me and moved on to the positive. I'm resolving the MediCal issue, the transition is going smoothly, and I'm sure it will all work out, too. So.... wow! Again, coincidence?

Sometimes it's not so easy to let go of the negative, though - especially when it comes in the shape of friends you've been friends with for years. I'd been friends with a person for over 20 years, or so I thought. This person was one of the negative ones - rarely did she ever call with anything positive, but if something horrid happened, she'd be looking me up. She did have an amazing amount of crappy things happen to her, and things just kept getting worse. I tried to be there for her through troubled times, but I don't think she really wanted my help or friendship - I think she was happy being unhappy. When she started drinking extremely heavily, I tried talking to her about it, and it almost killed the friendship right there. We remained peripheral friends after, until recently. She took offense to a Facebook topic and although I apologized if I offended her, tried to explain that what she read into it was not what I meant, it didn't matter - a few days later, she "unfriended" me on Facebook. Talk about shock & awe - what brought this on? How could she? My gods, over 20 years, did she not see how I'd been there for her through all the crap again & again, & now she drops me because of a post? I really worried about this for a while, till I put some serious thought into it. Maybe it was the law of attraction at work, helping me get rid of the negative in my life. What I thought of as a friendship was actually pretty one sided for a lot of those years - not all, but a lot. It made me question my judgment - how could I have been so blind and wasted all that time, etc - but it wasn't wasted time - it was, like most things in life, an opportunity for growth and learning, and I needed to learn, grow, and move on. Just because something is positive doesn't make it easy.

I then started thinking of all the truly wonderful people I have in my life, and realized these are the people who have been there for me, as I have for them. We rejoice in each others happiness & lend a hand when help is needed. We laugh and cry with each other; support and encourage each other. Positive really does attract positive. I'm so thankful for all the wonderful friends I have in my life, and I look forward to finishing the book & seeing what wonderfully positive things continue to manifest.


later the same evening

Just got a call confirming the boys MediCal will be continued with no interruption, and that if they have any questions when they re-authorize in January, they'll call us then. Good things all around!!!

Dating

I don't do it. Really. Why do people find it so hard to believe that I don't have a desire to date? I've been married once - gods, that was enough. If Prince Charming rang my doorbell tonight, I'd want to see a copy of his credit report and statements from his friends & exes, not to mention a note from his mother before letting him set a foot inside (I've discovered that most men who still have issues with their mothers at this age should be run away from, very quickly).

I'm a single mom, and have been for a long time. Hell, one could even say I was a single mom while I was married - or at least that I had another child. I've been doing it on my own for so long, I don't need someone to help me take care of things. And I'm ok with that. The big question is; why does no one else seem ok with that? It's usually my married friends who want to fix me up or tell me they know someone who would be great for me. Do they just want me to suffer, too? :-) I like the closet space, sleeping when I want to, and I've trained my boys to put the seat down.

All kidding aside, I just don't have time for it. I have 2 autistic teenage boys. They take up a LOT of time. They also come first. Anyone knows, relationships take up a lot of time. Also, people in relationships want to feel like they're the most important thing in the relationship, and I just don't have that to give. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.



Ok, I wrote those previous three paragraphs back in early September. Then I went to Sasha's Halloween Yoga extravaganza where Laurel did a card reading for me, and my whole world went crashing down. She had the gall to tell me I needed to let go of my bitterness & open up. Well hell! I was damn good about rationalizing my feelings away & not dealing with the crap that's built up. I was an expert. Nothing pisses me off more than someone seeing through me. Guess I have some work to do. :-)

So much for positive thinking...

Ok, it was a really sucky day & I just have to bitch, but I don't want to bitch on Facebook, because I'm really disgusted with everyone who bitches all the time & I don't want to be one of them. So I bitch on a blog - makes sense? Well, ever since my first post & I actually got one follower, I've failed to actually publish any of my following posts, so I guess it's still pretty un-public bitching. My one follower is so cool and a person I admire so much, I really hate to bitch to her. I'd rather do jello shots with her & just have a good time. I love her family, too, by the way. It's hard to bitch to people you actually like & enjoy spending time with. :-)

Ok, on to the bitching. I had my annual review for the boys' SSI today, phone interview. We have yet another new person on the case - seems like there's a new person every year. Anyway, early on, about 10 years ago, SSI kept losing my original documents, and when I gave them permission to get the documents electronically, they again lost the bloody documents. Ergo, I rescinded my permission for them to contact my financial institutions due to their incompetence and agreed to deliver all original documents to the office where I would wait for them to make copies and then take my originals home. Still not an ideal situation to me, but they were ok with it. Well, this new worker claims that 5 years ago, they made it required for me to give permission for them to get all documents electronically or else the kids would be denied their SSI claim. When I mentioned that if it happened 5 years ago, why have they let me keep doing it this way, and was told they'd made a lot of mistakes - including a past worker informing me it was ok for me to have an IRA for retirement. This new lady tells me it's only ok for me to have an IRA if it's through my employer; not if I got it on my own. I tell her look, I never would have gotten one if your worker hadn't told me it was ok. She says it doesn't matter, I need to give them all the info & give permission for them to get the documents electronically. I tell her I can't do that until I talk to my attorney. She says she'll stop the boys SSI if I don't. I tell her I'm willing to meet her on the date we picked with all documents, including the IRA documents, but I can't give permission until I talk to an attorney. She says it's pointless to keep the meeting because if I don't give permission, she's stopping the boys SSI.

Needless to say, my day was spent trying to contact referrals from my old educational attorneys for attorneys specializing in SSI & disability law, talking to Regional Center to see if my boys MediCal can be secured through RCOC without dealing with SSI (which is where they currently have their qualifications for MediCal through, and believe me, with the cost of Mikey's medications per month, I need the MediCal), trying to find out if I'll still qualify financially to be my kids IHSS provider, which is basically my whole and only source of income.

I really could care less if we continue with getting SSI at this point. Since my crappy ex is actually paying some child support at this point, and they take out $ from the SSI when this happens, it really doesn't make much difference in my income. If they stop SSI, we'll be ok financially... but my first concern is that Mikey continue to get his MediCal without interruption. My second concern is that I may be liable for paying back money I got from SSI because one of their employees who is no longer with them gave me bad advice, and that's a very real possibility, crappy though it is. I may end up paying a fortune to some attorney just to get justice, as I did to make the child support crap happen. Sigh.

You know, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't much. I don't have cancer, neither do my kids. Nobody is dying. Things could be a hell of a lot worse. But this strange sense of justice I have rails at the injustice of it all! Nobody ever told me life was fair, yet somehow I have this warped sense that it should be, and my blood pressure boils over at the unfairness when I work so hard at trying to make things work when other people I know take advantage of the system & get to skate by. Like I don't have enough to deal with, being a single mom with 2 autistic kids. I wonder what the hell did I do in my past life to have life crap on me so stupendously? Was I Atila the Hun? Perhaps a Spanish Inquisitor? Enough already!

Social Media

Sigh. I'm not a writer. I don't tweet much. I'm not a blogger, although this is the first entry in my own blog. I started this as an outlet; I've found that if I cannot actively do anything about a situation, it helps me to get my feelings out in print. Recently I experienced a situation where it wouldn't do any good to 'be honest' about the situation or bring things to light; it would only exacerbate it, and there is no such thing as good drama at my age.

Although I knew all this logically, my feelings regarding this situation continued to seethe. I would wake up at night with the words that I wished I could say out loud repeating in an endless loop in my brain. Finally, enough was enough and I put the words to paper (screen?), rambling out 3 pages of the things I've always wanted to say but never would, because (1) it wouldn't help the situation and (2) the person wouldn't have taken in a damn thing I said anyway (I've tried before - it just got glazed over). I finished it, saved, and walked away.

I slept soundly that night for the first time since it happened, and in the morning, I realized once and for all just how much power the written word has. Simply getting it out let me relax enough to sleep. You know the old saying, "Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," well, that's a bunch of crap, as any kid who's been called names on the playground has experienced. The physical bruises we get over; the words stay with us, molding our ego and self esteem for good or ill.

Enter the age of Social Media. Wikipedia (I know, not a definitive source, but neither am I) defines it as "media for social interaction". It's supposed to be a good thing - it helps people connect in ways they never would have been able to before the age of the internet. I was one of its first advocates, being one of the small group of women who interacted through the BBS (Bulletin Board System - pre-internet online interaction). For people who are shy; who freeze up when speaking in person, this was a godsend. To a degree, it is still easier for me to communicate online than in person. You have time to edit your thoughts and come back with a response without having awkward social lag time. There are a myriad of reasons why people find it easier to communicate through social media rather than in person.

As my parents tried to tell me, though, easier is not always better, and more often than not, it's worse. There's a big difference between interacting online and interacting in person. The things that are worthwhile (and the things that we end up valuing most) are the things we strive for and work at. When we take the easy road, we fall into lazy habits, as is so easy to do. We start forgetting to call our friends, knowing we can reach them online. We stop making dates to meet up in person; go out for coffee, take a walk with a friend. We communicate in 140 characters, which is barely enough to express a thought, let alone explain it. Not only are the words said; they're now said to the entire world, and are there to be read again and again and again.

And when we get used to this way of communicating, it is even easier to forget there are real flesh and blood people reading our posts & blogs & tweets; that what we say has even more power to hurt, maim, and destroy. I believe this is true because we are no longer in physical communication with a person; we cannot read their facial expression, we can't explain away a phrase when they raise a question - hell, they might not be able to raise a question, depending on the source of media. I know, people have been writing books for years and communicating that way - but that's not what I'm talking about. We don't write books to talk to our children. We don't (I hope) use Twitter to break up or propose to the one we love.

Like most technological advances, there are pluses and minuses. The trouble lies in when we start forgetting how to interact with people and begin to rely on social media to help us communicate. If I am speaking to someone, and they are connected and tweeting at the same time, it tells me that there is a group of people out there somewhere they'd rather be communicating with. It is saying to me that I'm not worth their time, and that hurts. It's like when you try to talk to your kids when they're listening to their Ipod - you know you don't have their full attention. :-) I am a firm believer in 1st amendment rights and the freedom of speech, but I am realizing that if you isolate all the people you know because of your liberal use of the 1st amendment, you will have no one left to speak to; no one will be listening.

I have never been accused of being a great communicator. Hell, I've never been accused of being tactful. :-) But I am beginning to find that in the electronic venue, it is far too easy to forget about any amount of tact. People think it is cool to be "snarky and cutting", and they think it is witty and it ends up being whiny and negative. Perhaps I've just seen too much negativity online. I have a friend from way back; ironically, we found each other again through Facebook. Robert has the most positive attitude I have ever seen. Frankly, to those of us who life tends to throw 'suck you' jabs at, this can get annoying at times. :-) But Robert always has a kind word, a joke, an encouraging phrase; sometimes just a really cool and inspirational picture, and it's rubbing off. I find myself wondering how he would handle situations, and ironically, instead of simply envying his good attitude, I'm trying to strive to have one of my own. The wild thing is: it's working. As I drop the negativity, even though my situation hasn't changed, I find that I actually am happier and do have just a bit more patience at the end of the day. And when you are raising two autistic teenage boys by yourself, every drop of patience counts.

I need to wrap this up & spend some face to face time with my kids (who will ALWAYS come before anything I am doing online). It kind of comes down to this: If you're going to a party with real people - leave the social media till you get back home.