Been a tough week. Been a tough life. Can't even type without the damned cat's butt in my face. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. I have no will to do anything - it's an effort just to get out of bed. I'm drained. Every time I say I don't want to fight anymore, life throws something at me that needs fighting, and I'm the only one that picks up the gloves, cause if I don't, no one else does, and nothing happens (at best) and at worst, things fall even more apart.
I don't get it. Why am I not entitled to my nervous breakdown? Because it doesn't fit into the damned schedule & no one will take care of the kids unless I can tell them the breakdown will last less than 24 hours. I'm tired. I'm tired of being super-mom, and I'm not even good at that. I feel like a crappy mom because I have even less patience since I have less help; I break into tears when I drop something...
I guess it's true, what the article said: moms who take care of special needs kids often have the same level of stress as combat soldiers. I tried to put in a link, but it's not working, so here's the address; you can cut & paste: http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2009/11/10/autism-moms-stress/6121/
I think the daily experience of having to be acutely aware of where my eloping son is 24 hours a day would be comparable to a soldier having to be on alert at all times, although not for the same reasons, of course. Not being able to open my windows due to the padlocks that keep my son safely inside is akin to us living in a lockdown institution. Even the group homes for autistic children are not allowed to have those kind of locks on doors & windows due to safety reasons. Geez. At least soldiers have a set tour of duty; they know in 3 years, their job is done. I don't even have that.
